[Trombone-l] Bakersfield in July

[Gary Maxwell]

You know you are in Bakersfield in July when...... 

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms
out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade
instead of distance.

Hot water comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty
good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a
 little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers
to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through
the car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step
outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I
get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement 
and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to
do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to
keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.
 
And now, a poem about our fair city.

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.

Please keep it cool in mid-July.

Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.

Bless our yard where spiders pass.

Fire ant castles in the grassBless the garage, a home to please.

Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.

Bless the love bugs two by two,
the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.

Millions of creatures that fly or crawl
in Bakersfield, Lord, you've put them all!!

But this is home, and here we'll stay
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.