[Trombone-l] bad joke

[Jason Smith]

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the
members of tonight's
band... in fact any band.


 "On piano____________:

But first a few words about pianists in general, they
are
intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory,
harmony and
composition in college. Most are riddled with
self-doubt. They are
usually bald. They should have big hands, but often
don't. They were
social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the
gig and play with
toy soldiers.

Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with
singers. If you talk
to the piano player during a break, he will
condescend.

 

 "On bass we have _____________

Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists
come to terms
with their limitations by playing simple lines and
rarely soloing.

During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull
his strings hard
and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big,
with paws for
hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you
talk to the
bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell
whether or not he's
listening.

 

 "On drums____________

Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but
are
always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person
in the world, or
the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are
uneasy because of the
many jokes about them, most of which stem from the
fact that they aren't
really musicians.

Pianists are particularly successful at making
drummers feel bad. Most
drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play
louder. If you
decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always
be careful not to
sneak up on him.

 

 "On saxophone______________

Saxophonists think they are the most important players
on stage.

Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial.
They know all the
Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a
mixture of Coltrane
and Bird.

They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak
half way through
and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but
audibly while other
people are trying to play. They are obsessed.
Saxophonists sleep with
their instruments,  forget to shower, and are mangy.

If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will
hear a lot of excuses
about his reeds.

 

 "On trumpet_______________

Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a
swagger.
They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet
players are very
attractive to women, despite the strange indentation
on their lips. Many
of them sing; misguided critics then compare them to
either Louis
Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they're
black or white. Arrive
at the session early, and you may get to witness the
special trumpet
game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as
possible. The winner is
the one who plays loudest and highest. If you talk to
a trumpet player
during a break, he might confess that his favorite
player is Maynard
Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.

 

 "On guitar_________________

Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they
want to
be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In
protest, they wear
their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and
play too loud.

Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten
notes at once,
but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as
they can. The more a
guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then
the drummer starts
to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his
loud/high arsenal.

Suddenly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because
he is no longer
the most important player on stage. He packs up his
horn, nicks his best
reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist
struggles to
suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during
the break he'll ask
intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.

 

 "Our feature vocalist is the lovely _____________

Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful
jazz gods.
They are placed in sessions to test musicians'
capacity for suffering.

They are not of the jazz world, but enter it
surreptitiously. Example: A
young woman is playing minor roles in college musical
theater. One day,
a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her
singing as "...jazzy."
Voila!

A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny
Valentine," "Summertime," and
"Route 66." Her  training complete, she embarks on a
campaign of musical
terrorism.

Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches.
Those who must
remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe. The
vocalist will try to
seduce you--and the rest of the audience--by making
eye contact,
acknowledging your presence, even talking to you
between tunes. DO NOT
FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste
obvious. Otherwise
the musicians will avoid you during their breaks.
Incidentally, if you
talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce
you to her "manager."

 

 "On trombone___________________

     The trombone is known for its pleading,
voice-like quality.
"Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range,
"Why won't anybody
hire me for a gig?" Trombonists like to play fast,
because their notes
become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism.
Most trombonists
played trumpet in their early years, then decided they
didn't want to
walk around with a strange indentation on their lips.
Now they hate
trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite
this
disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean,
with forlorn
faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very
friendly, because
nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist
during a break
and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you
insurance, or offer to mow
your lawn. "



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